Parents Worry about their Twentysomethings!

Boomers' hope: That the kids are all right
Parents fret over adult children's path

By Sharon Jayson
USA TODAY

Around the kids, they're nothing if not supportive. But a growing number of baby boomer parents are freaking out inside.

They don't want to let on to their adult children that they're getting worried, but these parents are sharing their concerns at work, at the gym, at the grocery store or anyplace they can commiserate: Their offspring — post-college degreed and in their mid- to late 20s — still haven't a clue about what to do with their lives.

These young adults aren't slackers; they often have jobs to pay the rent and are seemingly on their own. But one of parents' biggest worries is whether their close relationships with their children may have stifled their self-sufficiency.

"Watching this as a parent, you're concerned that they find their own path," says Richard Hesel, 62, a marketing consultant from Timonium, Md., and the father of two sons in their 20s. "We've gone out of our way to help these kids, but you do wonder: When does it end?"

Social psychologist Jane Adams says it's a long ride through the 20s because these are bright, talented young adults "who seem to be not doing anything with it."

"It's more a fear their kids are never going to be fully independent, emotionally as well as financially," she says.

William Galston, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, had a grant last year to study these young adults, and as the father of a 23-year-old son, he says he identifies with the parents.

He says there's a great amount of "unexpressed worry — unexpressed at least to the children — but parent to parent."

"A lot of parents I know are more worried than they let on that somehow what appears to be drift from the early 20s to the late 20s could turn into a permanent lack of focus," he says.

Galston says many boomers made career and marital commitments "when they were too young and have lived to regret it," so they've been willing to help their kids avoid similar mistakes.

"I think a lot of parents wrestle with very nitty-gritty questions like 'Are there some categories of things I should subsidize and things I shouldn't?' It runs up against this vague fear that maybe what you're doing is subsidizing indecision."

Hesel and his wife weathered the twists and turns that their oldest son, Todd, has taken in recent years. In 2000, when he earned a biology degree, he was going to be a doctor, but "about a month or two from starting medical school, I wasn't looking forward to it. I can't say why. It didn't feel right at the time."

Instead, he became a personal trainer at a health club, which gave him time to train for triathlons, an interest that surfaced in college. He qualified to compete at the Ironman Triathlon in Hawaii, which he did in 2002 and 2003.

Now 29, Todd Hesel, of Parkville, Md., will graduate from law school at the University of Maryland in May and plans to practice environmental law.

His circuitous route toward a career is in its final months.

Carol Dochen is the mother of a 24-year-old daughter and a 22-year-old son, and she is in the throes of parental angst. "It's this internal struggle," says Dochen, 53, of Austin. "I always want to be there for my kids. And I want them to be independent and stand on their own two feet."

A December study by researchers at the University of Haifa in Israel may dispel some concern.

Family therapist Irit Yanir surveyed 100 urban, middle-class families with a mother, father and adult child age 23-27 and found close families actually produce more independent children. Contrary to parents' fears, adult children with close parental ties were more financially self-sufficient and more independent in their daily lives; it didn't matter whether they lived with their parents. Young adults with emotionally distant relationships were less independent into their late 20s and tended to make decisions based on wanting to either please or rebel.

"Parents have difficulties understanding the difference between being a support and being supportive," Adams says. "I know at least two sets of parents who call their kids every morning to make sure they get up for work. That's too much. I know daughters who call mothers every day to decide what to wear. That's too much."

Experts say research on the relationship between young adults and their parents is relatively rare. Among those studying this new area is sociologist Barbara Mitchell of Simon Fraser University in British Columbia. In-depth interviews with 490 baby boomer parents about their children ages 18-35 reveal parental frustration.

"There are a lot of things they didn't anticipate, given the level of investment they put into them when they were younger. They're having to delay their own plans for the empty nest or for retirement to keep working to help kids who are going to school longer. They don't want the kids to amass these large student loans," she says.

But Adams says there may be a hidden agenda in parents' willingness to sacrifice for their kids.

"In a way, one of our dirty little secrets is that we think if we take care of them as long as they need it, they'll take care of us," she says.

Some say young people may be caught in a vicious cycle, created by economics and fueled by parents. Having options is something they expect, says Richard Sweeney of the New Jersey Institute of Technology, who conducts young adult focus groups for colleges and corporations. "The bigger the choice, the more likely they are to postpone," he says. "They don't want to make a bad choice."

Having too many options — and the "anything is possible" mantra boomers inculcated in their children — may have backfired for some young adults, says Barry Schwartz, a psychology professor at Swarthmore College and author of The Paradox of Choice.

"I think this is a major problem — this inability of people to pull the trigger because they're worried there might be something better around the corner," Schwartz says.

"People didn't used to expect the perfect job, the perfect partner, the perfect life. People were hoping for a good-enough life. But people of means have urged our kids that good enough isn't good enough. There is a right thing to do; you just have to figure out what that is."

Today's Kids continue to need Mom and Dad!

Last Hope in a Weak Economy? Mom and Dad

Mar 21 02:33 PM US/Eastern
By EMILY FREDRIX
AP Business Writer

MILWAUKEE (AP) - After being laid off from her job as an events planner at an upscale resort, Jo Ann Bauer struggled financially. She worked at several lower-paying jobs, relocated to a new city and even declared bankruptcy.
Then in December, she finally accepted her parents' invitation to move into their home—at age 52. "I'm back living in the bedroom that I grew up in," she said.

Taking shelter with parents isn't uncommon for young people in their 20s, especially when the job market is poor. But now the slumping economy and the credit crunch are forcing some children to do so later in life—even in middle age.

Financial planners report receiving many calls from parents seeking advice about taking in their grown children following divorces and layoffs.

Kim Foss Erickson, a financial planner in Roseville, Calif., north of Sacramento, said she has never seen older children, even those in their 50s, depending so much on their parents as in the last six months.

"This is not like, 'OK, my son just graduated from college and needs to move back in' type of thing," she said. "These are 40- and 50-year- old children of my clients that they're helping out."

Parents "jeopardize their financial freedom by continuing to subsidize their children," said Karin Maloney Stifler, a financial planner in Hudson, Ohio, and a board member of the Financial Planning Association. "We have a hard time saying no as a culture to our children, and they keep asking for more."

Bauer's parents won't take rent money or let her help much with groceries. She's trying to save several hundred dollars a month for a house while working as a meetings coordinator.

Bauer would prefer to live on her own, but without her parents' help would "probably be renting again and trying to stick minimal money in the bank," she said.

Shirley Smith, 80, said she and her husband didn't hesitate when they invited Bauer to return to their home in Eden, Wis. Buying groceries for another person isn't stretching her budget too much, she said.

"I've got three kids and any of them can come home if they want," she said.

But plenty of well-meaning parents must delay retirement or scale back their dreams because they have to help their children, Stifler said.

Some of Erickson's clients are giving as much as $50,000 at a time to their kids, many of whom have overextended themselves with big houses or lavish lifestyles. And the sliding economy might threaten their jobs.

Parents feel guilty if they don't offer help, but she warns them to be careful with their savings.

"I almost have to act like a financial therapist if you will," she said. "'Here is the line I'm drawing for you. That's fine. You can do up to this point, but at this point, now you're starting to erode your own wealth.'"

Anna Maggiore, 27, lost her job as a publicist in Los Angeles about three years ago and moved into her parents' house in Los Alamos, N.M.

She tried to find jobs, but nothing stuck, so she enrolled full-time at the College of Santa Fe to finish her bachelor's degree in business.

She figures her parents spend about $1,000 a month on her, including a car payment, car and health insurance, school and other costs. Her father is a retired nuclear physicist and her mother, a guidance counselor, will retire this spring. Now Maggiore is looking for work so she can supplement their income.

"It's kind of hitting me finally that I need to get out there and find a job," she said. "Even if it's just part-time just to help out however I can."

A new survey by the retiree-advocacy group AARP found that one-fourth of Generation Xers, those 28 to 39 years old, receive financial help from family and friends.

The online survey of nearly 1,800 people ages 19 to 39 also found 57 percent believed they were "financially independent." But in a separate question, 33 percent said they received financial support from family and friends.

Bauer was caught by surprise when her job at a resort in Kohler, Wis., was cut four years ago, one year after she got divorced. The single mother bounced around to several lesser-paying jobs, declared bankruptcy and even moved 60 miles south to Milwaukee.

Her daughter, now 12, moved in with Bauer's ex-husband near her hometown.

Bauer decided to move to be closer to her and in December she found a job with the Experimental Aircraft Association in nearby Oshkosh. She tried to buy a house but needed 5 percent down. She only had 2 percent. She's now saving for a down payment and hopes to have it as early as June.

Bauer said she gets along well with her parents and knows she'll never get to spend so much time with them again. But it hurts her ego to live at home.

"I've had people say to me, 'Oh God, I could never do that,'" she said. "But you take humble steps in order to move forward."


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